seems like its just fine.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
ayeeee.. i lost my handphone holder. i must have left it at mdm wong as i hurried to leave the scene yesterday. ): you know the feeling sucks. its like you try digging, secretly wishing its somewhere burried at the bottom of the bag and empty everything, and you dont see what you thought was lost. its really missing. argh.. i feel so sad when i told my mom this morning. it makes me wanna cry. i want it back.
looking at the calendar, i wished time would be fast forwarded. i wished i can wake up in another 12 months time. i wanna zone out somewhere.
there're so many things coming up from nowhere out of the blue. so many unexpected, at least to me. i feel so lonely at times. like afraid. you know just a quick rush of feeling. it kicks in when i least expect them. and i find it really tough to face it. not that i am not willing to, but often, on the outside, i will tend to push the blame and why me this and that. on the inside, i know things are just like this. no explanations. nobody can tell me why. because things are just what it is.
the hard work i am putting in every aspects, i am trying. with my everything.
i realised how important english is. you know there're time when you thought everything is supposed to be like that. lets say, breathe and eat. every of this small movement is like, this is what we should do. just like i always thought english is something we must know but today, i learnt that's not. there's this group of people whom i would just by-pass and forget their faces in no time. but they taught me something.
actually i am so used to be located alone during events because deep down, you dont know who's nice and not. i am totally cool with that. i do my things and when i complete, i'll go. usually, people would be nice, and break the ice. but these few people are nice. in a way, they wanted to know where i was from and stuffs like that. prolly they are not used to people not answering them or guarding in a way. i mean come on, we barely know each other. what makes you think you can have my personal details. i was a little triggered but i let it off, the thing is that, they cant speak english but they really did tried. the room was pretty quiet and people were actually watching us.
in between, i went 'can you please repeat again or gave a puzzled look' cos i dont get what he trying to ask and imagine the whole room looking and heard every single word of our conversation. i bet if its a local and ego man would have turn his back after twice of repeating. but he even tried to spell and project his question to me. i realised he took 4 months to master english. and the reason they refrained from speaking to me, is because of the barrier. i dont know why. prolly i never met with people like them but they really showed me what local men cant do. i looked through their books, they actually translate every single word. i was truly impressed.
i remembered back in school, my classmate is a pure chinese but he is not willing to learn how to speak properly. they think its not cool at all but these people even try to learn my mother tongue. pronounce my chinese name. they even have this little gadget which helps them. its really surprising to see people with the same age but different cultures and differnt thinking.
its rather irritating to see emails and stuffs like, "oh.. i read you blog and blablabla." i really appreciate if you keep the comments to yourself and if i need any suggestions, i would ask for it. or even drop me a mail saying things like, "i've read you blog!" or people saying, "i know you are not feeling good, you can call me with your problems" for one, i dont call people with my problems unless you are a personal friend of mine which is not the case because my personal friend is one who knows my daily life and we often exchange texts. and dont go nudging me on msn. i mean, yea.. this is what i love to do but its getting on my nerves when i am trying to read or i-tuning and i am in the away status.
dont assume we are good friends or go telling people that i am a personal friend of yours and saying things as if you really know me in-out. or even you know me back then and we are ultra close back then, but we have distant now. the me you know one week, one month or an year ago, its not the same.
and if we have distant, dont start to say hi or yo(which makes me roll eyes) and get me to blabber all my stuffs to you like what you thought i use to. towards people i know and people i distant with, its totally different. like some said, the warm and blablabla is gone, it only comes to you when we are still in close terms. so i have not changed and dont try to assume. (: its just we are in different areas/stages. and dont go calling me sweetie/cupcake/missy/princess/whatever, i seriously advise, save it for someone else, not me. i am not your GIRLFRIEND.
on a lighter note, i hoped, next week would be a better one. i wished i were able to sleep more peacefully.
good night.